Beauty for Ashes

Although we are thrilled about having baby Nolan, I can't help but remember my other 2 sweet babies that we lost early on.  I was talking with a girl today and technically both her and I have been pregnant 3 times in 1 year.  That is a lot and I know I should be grateful for that but at the same time, I could be sitting here with one of the 2 babies I've lost and holding him or her and saved myself a lot of pain.  (Don't worry, that's just if I was in charge....although it's not that unreasonable, is it?) 

February 1st was the day that I had my D&C last year with our second baby.  That was such a tough time for me.  I did a lot of crying and just couldn't understand why we were going to lose another baby.  Equally as hard was the physical aspect that my body didn't recognize that the baby was not alive and I felt sick and just really bad.  Both Gray and I were so shocked that things weren't ok with this baby, we were blind-sided.  I had to wait over the weekend before I could have the D&C and that was such a hard weekend for me.  My mom flew up, which I'm so thankful for but emotionally I was a wreck.  I just didn't know how much more I could take.  I had the feeling that everything in my life was being taken from me and I just didn't understand it.  Deep down, I know that God was in that situation, but it was (and still is) hard to see it.

Losing the first baby was hard and I wouldn't want to go through that again but I can almost see that one and I rationalized in my mind that I was ok and I was so tired of grieving after losing my dad that I just didn't have it in me to grieve and be sad like I thought I would have.  Our first baby gave me hope during a very difficult week dealing with my dad's estate and the things that came along with that.  I felt like God was giving me hope in a very hard, tumultuous time in my life.  I would love nothing more than to have had that baby in July (2010) and to have not gone through any of this.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the plan.

Not all the time, but this week especially they are both on my mind.  I can remember having one of my (many) follow up appointments with Dr. Newman after my D&C and just crying and asking her as a Christian how you can get through this awful time?  I will never forget what she said to me.  She said, "Sara, at the end of the day God's Word is still truth and you have to cling to that."  How powerful, and from my doctor?  I am thankful if nothing else that she is my doctor and that she has walked this hard journey with Gray and I (along with many wonderful friends and family).  She has shared her experiences with me and allowed me to grieve and just cry when I saw her.  Last spring, I needed people that were going to speak Truth into my life and just grieve with me.  The occasional "it will get better" definitely helped, but most of all the tears were healing.  I don't know why we lost two babies and I will probably never know, but God was in the midst of that pain and is still in it now (even when I couldn't grasp it then).

The Crystal Lewis song, Beauty for Ashes is taken from Isaiah 61:3.  The chorus of that song is:

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear 

Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair 

 I totally believe that God is giving Gray and I beauty for ashes in multiple situations in our lives, not just this one.  We have learned just how BIG our God is and that only He can restore the hurts and pain.