This morning at 4:45 am I found myself laying in bed thinking, "if I'm very still Nolan won't hear anything and he'll fall back to sleep!!" I stayed in bed for a few minutes thinking my 2 week old may soothe himself, but he didn't. I felt a tad guilty that I would lay there hoping for more sleep. He's only 2 weeks old, what was I really expecting? Sadly, I thought the same thing at 7:45 when he started fussing again. Poor guy! Of course, I got out of bed and got him up and I fed him. When I was holding him the guilt of feeling like I needed more sleep was weighing heavy on me. How selfish.
I was feeling especially guilty because last night (around 11 pm) as Gray and I were laying in bed and I was feeding Nolan, Gray and I were talking about what a gift Nolan is to us and how he truly came in God's time! This has been a late night discussion for Gray and I for several nights now. We feel so incredibly blessed to have him and he is just perfect in every way! I told Gray I can't believe that last July I sat in Dr. Newman's office and just cried because I so desperately wanted a baby and I was looking for any way to make that happen and hoping she would help. She did offer to put me on some fertility meds but she also said that she didn't think I needed it and I would become pregnant in time. She offered to put me on meds because she saw my desperation, my tears and knew all too well the heartache I was feeling for a baby. I left her office with a prescription but chose to not fill it and to lean on her advice and wisdom. It was the end of August that I found out I was pregnant! In God's time, not ours!
Gray and I can definitely see a recurring theme throughout our marriage and our lives. We get disappointed, feel like it's the end and in God's time things are brought full circle and we look back and can't believe where we came from and don't know how we made it out. This past spring, I did a Deeper Bible study with my church on Priscilla Shirer's study of Jonah. That was perfect timing for me because it was about the interrupted life and how our messes are made beautiful by God in His time. One thing I have in my notes is, "sometimes the greatest message is the mess of your life." That is so true for us, we have a story that is still being written. Yes, we currently have messes in our lives but we also have hope and second chances all around. The last 3 years have been the hardest for me personally and for Gray and I as a couple because I have felt consumed with mess. I felt like it was one disappointment after another. Yes, I have a perfect newborn sitting by my side as I type, but I truly believe God has transformed our hearts. It's not about us just having a baby, it's about life and dealing with the mess and trying to find the message within. When my mom was here helping me after Nolan came she really encouraged me to pray about my feelings about certain issues and ask God why I am feeling the way I do. I am in the process of doing that and haven't had any breakthroughs yet...but I know God will show me. It may take a while, I'm a little on the stubborn side which doesn't help! :)
Here is what Jonah cryed out to God while he was inside the whale, I can't begin to tell you how many times I have felt this and wish I could tell you I responded in the same way as Jonah. Instead, I chose to fight and take on the "woe is me" attitude." I am still working on this and need to be reminded daily that this isn't about me:
"From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said:
In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple. The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord.
And the Lord commanded the fish and it vomited Jonah onto dry land." Jonah, chapter 2
While it's hard to be thankful for life's interruptions, I sit with a full heart today thankful for the interruptions I've had and the miracles and appreciation I have from those interruptions and experiences gained!!
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